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Wednesday, August 29, 2007

You are a Real Aussie Mate!

If you can make sense of this from Catherine Deveny, writing in the Age.

It's time for a real test that requires real Australian qualities.

You can shove your citizenship test up your poxy date. No one has the right to decide what being Australian is. I was born here and I have no idea. But I do know what it isn't, and what being Australian isn't is testing people on what they know about some white pen-pusher's idea of Australia. This is the country whose citizens pride themselves on not knowing the words to their own country's anthem.

If I wanted to be an Australian citizen and I was told that I had to pass a test first, I'd bugger off to New Zealand.

Who are we trying to keep out with this test? How will knowing the name of Australia's first prime minister or the date of Federation keep out terrorists, wankers or bludgers? The citizenship test questions are irrelevant and offensive. Here's my citizenship test and if you don't like it you can rack off and go back to your own country. You know what the most un-Australian thing in the world is? Migrants. And we don't want them coming here with their fancy food, classy culture, rich traditions and willingness to contribute.

LANGUAGE

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term "died in the arse"?

2. What is a mole?

3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?

4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."

CUSTOMS

1. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?

2. Complete the following sentences: a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother … b) You're going home in the back of a …

c) Fair suck of the …

3. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss

4. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?

5. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Keith and does he have a wife called Cheryl?

FOOD

1. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?

2. What are the ingredients in a rissole?

3. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.

4. Do you have an Aunty Myrna who is famous for her tuna mornay and other dishes involving a can of cream of celery soup?

5. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been nicked from a bath full of ice?

6. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?

7. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?

CULTURE

1. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?

2. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?

3. Who would you like to crack on to?

4. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?

5. Is there someone you are only mates with because

they own a trailer or have a pool?

6. Would you love to have a beer with Duncan?

And after all that, the people to be granted citizenship are the ones who call it a crock and cheat.




Well I had to cheat for a few of those. Luckily I have an Aussie Wife and some Aussie Work Colleagues.

9 comments:

Ian Appleby said...

Brilliant; exactly the same thing as I feel here, hearing the politicians go on about Britishness. Whatever it is - and don't ask me - it's not what they say.

Anonymous said...

Hello!

I love foreign language blogs... so ethnic..

Colin Campbell said...

Get back in your cage you Cornish Pasty. And a woof from Spotty.

ThunderDragon said...

Spot on - knowing history is important, but it's not something on which citizenship can be hung!

Colin Campbell said...

A countries values and common shared knowledge are the most important factors in evaluating whether society can sustain going forward.

Answering a pop quiz does not cut it.

Anonymous said...

Colin - what's up? That was funny enough to have been written by you!

Looking forward to immigration policy 2010 - pass the test and they brand 'bogan' on your forehead at the same time they're tattooing your barcode on your neck.

Colin Campbell said...

TINA

I was just uninspired this morning and this gem just came along and I felt obliged to share.

Finally Gunns under the pump.

phishez said...

Thats brilliant! They say poms have their own codes (dog and bone, frog and toad etc), and they're hard to understand.

But I understood everything in that article. How many yanks are out there giggling because it used the word 'arse' without even knowing that 'died in the arse' is a common term over here?

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